Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Love tips from the anti-dating guru


By Raquel P. Gomez
Illustration by Lengski

Lately have you felt so bad and miserable, felt the whole world closing in on you because a relationship you so treasured ended in a bitter note? The girl or guy abandoned you for another and left you high and dry? And according to Jon von Jovi, the only way to down your pain is with a “bottle of vodka”?

These questions may sound like some lyrics from a sappy song that has been revived a hundred times over, or maybe even an opening spiel of some wannabe love doctor or relationship counselor from an AM radio come late night tuning, but practically they mostly refer to the general predicament you and I experience in the current dating scene.

People in the current dating scene whose relationships pile up one after another without getting anywhere, or who are perennially in “recreational romance” will most often find their life “empty” when they get older, according to Joshua Harris in his 1997 bestselling book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.”

The book focuses on the author’s disenchantment with contemporary dating scene and offers ideas for improving the courtship practice. He popularized the concept of “courting” as an alternative to regular dating.

“A lot of things we do in relationships today are motivated by selfishness. We’re starting what we can’t finish, we’re pursuing romance when we’re really not interested in commitment,” says Harris in the book.

Harris adds that behaviors that cut across current generation’s pursuit of fulfillment in relationships include: seeking intimacy without obligation, seeking sex with no strings attached, and seeking the “pleasure of love with none of the work, none of the vows, and none of the sacrifice.”

“The results (of these behaviors) aren’t what we hoped for. And we’re left feeling emptier than before. The intimacy is superficial. The sex leaves us dissatisfied and hungry for something real, something true.”

According to Harris, people often pursue intimacy for the sake of intimacy. People want to get close each other without any real intention of making a long-term commitment.

“Deepening intimacy without defining a level of commitment is dangerous,” according to Harris. “It’s like going mountain climbing with a partner who isn’t sure her or she wants the responsibility of holding your rope. When you’ve climbed two thousand feet up a mountain, you don’t want to have a conversation about how he or she feels ‘tied down’ by your relationship. Many people experience deep hurt when they open themselves up emotionally and physically only to be abandoned by someone who proclaims he or she is not ready for a ‘serious commitment.’ ”

If modern day courtship that’s getting more and more influenced by advertising, movies and music leave people in love limbo rather than love paradise, what then is true joy in love and how does one goes about pursuing that goal in life?

Harris formulated what he calls the little relationship principle to counter the detrimental effects of modern day dating. And it goes like this: “The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.” In other words, you get to true love level and enjoy the rewards it brings if there is willingness to commit yourself to your partner.

Harris says the principle is an important aspect of true love, which marriage is based upon. In marriage a man and woman become one flesh and enjoy the deepest intimacy with each other only after they have made a public promise to love each other for life.

Harris says intimacy without commitment contradicts “true love” - which makes one selfless, patient, and always looking out for the ongoing good of the other person.

According to Harris love and faithfulness are always linked together. The personal benefits of an intimate relationship, emotional or sexual, are always closely linked to self-sacrificial love and commitment to another person’s long-term good.

If the path to true love is combining intimacy with commitment, Harris’ “golden rule of romance” or principle encourages people to not to date or seek romance yet if they are not prepared or ready to match with commitment the intimacy they’re seeking in the partner.

“The little relationship principle helps us sort through these difficult questions. We don’t ask for a level of intimacy and emotional loyalty that goes beyond our true level of commitment. If we’re not able to deepen in commitment and pursue the possibility of marriage, we should halt the progression of intimacy at the friendship stage.”

Love between a couple about to get married should be expressed in self-control, patience and even words left unsaid. If it goes beyond that, then it’s bound for trouble. “Intimacy without commitment is like icing without the cake. It can be sweet, but it ends up making us sick.”
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Pre-Valentine Supplements
February 13, 2008 page I1
Philippine Daily Inquirer

2 comments:

mojacko said...

i love no. 2: show me you love me. tapos lumuluha yung girl. kawawa.

Dating said...

It can be sweet, but it ends up making us sick.